MEN!

The older I get, the more I appreciate the person who wrote that book about Mars and Venus. Not that I read the book, but evidently the author pointed out that men and women are so different that it isn’t even funny. After almost 40 years of marriage, I still don’t understand the opposite sex. So what is it with men, anyway?

Friendship. For women, a friend is a lifeline, someone to share problems with. Women are good sounding boards. Women lunch with their friends, talk on the phone with their friends, babysit for their friends, laugh with their friends, and weep with their friends. Men don’t really have friends, but they have CRONIES. Cronies share sports, cigars, and poker.

Entertainment. For women, a wonderful evening consists of a beautiful dinner with candles, and a romantic movie. Alternatively, women enjoy drives in the country, shopping, picnics, and anything involving other women. Men enjoy watching sports on TV, scratching themselves, repairing cars, and anything involving tools.

Humor. Is there any woman, anywhere, who thinks that “The Three Stooges” are funny?

Gifts. I don’t even know where to BEGIN on this one! I feel I can speak for most women here. For us, the perfect gift involves jewels, perfume, anything associated with fashion or containing a thread count of over 300. Here are some examples of gifts that my friends and I have received from our husbands: socks, bed pillows, car caddies, Tupperware, “The Autobiography of Ann Heche,” birdseed, and AN ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH. Need I say more?

Tourism. To me the perfect vacation consists of an exciting city, a beautiful hotel with Frette sheets, wonderful food, theatre, and it goes without saying—SHOPPING. For my husband and many men, the perfect vacation includes lots of brochures about local attractions such as caverns, tractor pulls, civil war monuments, suspension bridges, and industrial museums. For me, to be seen on a street corner of an exotic city with a new purse hanging on my shoulder is exciting. For Charlie, the thrill involves hanging both regular and digital cameras around his neck, stuffing his pockets with maps, and standing on that same street corner peering intently at a guidebook. The highlight of our last vacation was our excursion (thanks to one of those brochures) to see the world’s largest concrete horseshoe crab.

Driving. For women, getting in the car is a means to the Mall. For men, the car is a gift from God. The faster the car, the better, apparently. No matter that we have speed limits in this country—just the fact that a car has the POTENTIAL to go over a hundred miles an hour is a reason to own it. Accessories? To me, that means a stainless steel and gold watch, diamond studs, and a Coach bag. To Charlie it means side pipes, white walls, a custom paint job, and mini moons.


But here is the thing: why are men so CUTE
?

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