DON’T KID YOURSELF. THIS HAPPENS.

I don’t have a dog any more. For this, I am thankful, because when you have a dog, you have to walk it every day. Sometimes, Fido demands to be walked after dark; you know, if he hasn’t pooped yet that day. And you have to accommodate that.

I am relieved that in all my years of dog walking, My dog and I never discovered a body. It’s in the news all the time. The headline reads: DOG WALKER DISCOVERS BODY IN THE WOODS or WOMAN WALKING DOG STUMBLES UPON BODY.

If you walk your dog, you often walk along roadsides or in the woods. Not everyone lives in New York, where dogs are trained to poop on the sidewalks. Most American’s dogs demand woods, grassy knolls, open fields, or at least large areas of grass or weeds. And this is apparently, according to the headlines, where murderers leave bodies strewn around. Sometimes they bury them (see above feeble illustration), but often they just scatter leaves and twigs over the body. AND YOUR DOG CAN EASILY SNIFF THOSE OUT. It doesn’t take a cadaver dog to do this. Dogs just have that innate talent for scouting out rotten things and rolling in them or trying to eat them. So there is another hazard: having your dog find a human bone and gnawing on it. So yes, I am not really an outdoor person, with or without a dog.

Here’s another danger: Driving. I never study the side of the road too carefully when I am in a car going along, because people in cars have also spotted dead bodies along roadsides. They see what they think is a pile of clothing or a garbage bag, and it looks suspicious to them, so they stop to investigate. I have asked my husband many times to never, ever stop to investigate anything along the road, even if it looks like money. Because it might be money, but there could also be a dead person.

This is why I also wonder about that Antiques Roadshow production on television. I never looked very hard in the attic of my old house, hoping to discover a priceless work of art leaning against the eaves. Because you know what else people find in old attics?

Bats.

 

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