Who doesn’t love the Olympics? The drama, the pageantry, the suspense? I look forward to them every day. We have dinner, then hunch in our seats in the TV room, armchair judging stuff that we have absolutely no clue about.

Thank goodness for those little boxes in the upper left corner of the screen when the skaters are performing. Thanks to those, we can shout, “Oh, she fluffed the triple flip! Look! She got a red box!” And things that we couldn’t do in a hundred years? We feel very comfortable critiquing: “Yes. Those ice dancers were definitely not in sync during the Twizzlers.”

At least with the snowboarders, you can tell if they flub: they fall down. Even I could judge them, right? And all those people in the sleds. All they have to do is stay on. Nothing complicated there. Here is one category that stumps me: the Biathlon. Shooting and skiing. Who does this? Why do they do it? As far as I am concerned, they might as well have an Olympic sport that combines figure skating and ping pong, for Pete’s sake. Shooting and skiing. Pfft!

Here are some of the things I wonder about:

  • How many calories do these athletes need? Do they get to have hot fudge sundaes after every meal? Do they realize how lucky they are to have to eat so much?
  • Do all those sequins poke the skaters?
  • How on earth does an athlete who has a tragic accident that involves medically induced comas and major surgeries come back from that and continue competing?
  • Who in heaven’s name  likes to cross-country ski? It looks just agonizing.
  • Do the medalists wear their medals, say, to go to the Mall? I would.
  • Which athletes have harder buttocks–the speed skaters or those skiers who do moguls?
  • Where is Bob Costas?
  • What is Hershey Gold, and who would want to try one?
  • How do I get in touch with that guy who oiled up and wore a grass skirt in the Opening Ceremonies?
  • Is Tonya Harding watching the skaters? Is she gloating that none of the women can do triple axels?

I will be depressed when all of this is over, and I have to go back to watching House Hunters International.



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